my name is lauren. i'm almost twenty. this is my second private anonymous blog where i confess my emotions, confessions and talk about my personal problems. i stopped using the first one but i want to start again. my ask box is always available for anyone that needs to talk. what i post may be triggering to some, i'll hide more depressive thoughts under read more links when possible. i love you all. disclaimer.
don't be scared to fly alone.
It’s nothing but harmless flirting, so why do I feel so self conscious?
There’s a guy from my university following me on twitter. We’ve never actually met though, he’s a freshman, I’m guessing that means he’s 18 or 19. I’m second year, soon to be twenty. So we’ve never had the chance to meet. We do flirt an awful lot though, tweets, messages etc.
He asked me out for a drink.
Now, I’m not sure what college and university is like for you. But a drink, just the two of us, single - would probably lead to us making out, getting back to his apartment, making out more and … I’m guessing sex would ensue. Maybe I’m going a little too far, who knows. I’m not a slut, I’m a virgin for god’s sake, but I’m not the type of person who is completely obsessed with waiting.
But then I think, he’s not seen me. I’m not physically attractive. I’m overweight, and have self harm scars all over me. If I go out for a drink with him, he’s gonna take one look at me and think he’d made the biggest mistake of his life. I know that. He probably thinks I’m this slim, gorgeous girl, and I’m not. I used the prettiest picture possible for my twitter display - who doesn’t?!
And it’s such a shame, coz we get on so well and he’s a sweetheart and he makes me smile. And I know that my self confidence and trust issues would fuck everything up.
Perhaps I’m just being dumb though, and he’s just thinking purely about friendship. But with the way he always mentions how he hates being single, it makes me think that he’s looking for a fuck at least. That should make me feel awful right? Surprisingly it doesn’t. It actually makes me excited to think about finally losing ‘it’ even in a meaningless alcohol-induced romp. What does that say about me?
Anyways, it’s probably not even going to happen. And maybe I’m underestimating the guy thinking he’d want to have sex that quickly. But this is university life, alcohol, he’s a red blooded male.
Friday Dec 3 @ 12:11amThings are better today.
Wednesday Dec 1 @ 09:48pmIt’s close to being 3 months since I last self injured,
And though I’m immensely proud of myself, every day poses a new struggle. Self belief is at an all time low but I just gotta keep going, there’s nothing else I can do.
Sunday Nov 28 @ 08:45pm
I feel like a bitch for taking things out on you,
to some extent anyway.
I had no right to be selfish with you when you’re going through so much. But I just can’t help being sad. You are the only thing that get’s me through and when things are this way, I find it so hard to be thoroughly supporting.
I know you’re sad, but so am I.
Sunday Nov 28 @ 08:33pm
I am so very sad.
Saturday Nov 27 @ 12:16amsoftsyllables replied to your post: I want to cut, so much.
aw, don’t do it lovely! you can recover from this. i’m almost a month clean. have you heard of the butterfly project? (tumblr.com/tagged/…)
i’ve not cut for over two months now. & the butterfly project was no help to me at all, personally anyway. i’m not going to do it, i believe i’m stronger than that now, though personally i just feel like i’m fooling myself.
Tuesday Nov 23 @ 07:06pmI want to cut, so much.
Tuesday Nov 23 @ 05:02pmTuesday Nov 23 @ 04:50pm
I miss you so much.
I miss who we used to be, what we used to have. I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want the days that got me through to become memories that break my heart. You are my best friend, someone that has stuck by me no matter what. I don’t understand why things are changing.
Thursday Nov 18 @ 08:15pm
swellerific-deactivated20110110 asked: Thank you so much for being here for me.
I love you <33
you’re welcome sweetheart & thank you for being here for me too. I will always be here for you ♥
Monday Nov 15 @ 03:30pmDoes it make me a bad person that I’m trying to make someone worry about me?
Yesterday, after I confessed my emotions to the one person I always feel I can trust and talk to and she ignored me, I was obviously very hurt and really quite angry at her. Day by day she’s really turning into a complete hypocrite and half the time I honestly feel like she doesn’t even care anymore. The other day, when she was in one of her many moods with me, she told me she was done with our friendship. I wouldn’t have minded her saying something like that if I’d done something wrong, but I honestly hadn’t. All I’d done was stick up for myself, something she told me I had to do for myself.
So she’s sent me messages this morning, and I’ve not responded, because I’m angry at her, and because she’s done something I hate again and quite frankly, I’m in a mood with her. I don’t usually get angry, and when I do I don’t show it because I don’t want to push away the people I trust. Or … person.
A few minutes ago, she messaged me telling me she was worried, and 16 hours after I’d sent it acknowledged my message about my feelings, saying after what I’d said, she’s worried about what I’ve done.
I didn’t cut last night, something I won’t get recognition for, and will have to make do with the pride I have in myself. I’ve threatened to kill myself before, even though I don’t think I ever would. But you know, I’m actually glad she’s worrying about me. Maybe now she can see how much SHE needs me. And not only that, but how horrible it is to be ignored when you want to talk.
I don’t think my desire to cut has ever been this strong.
All that is going through my head is ‘I want to cut, I want to cut, I want to cut.’ I’m feeling lower than I have in a long time, I feel like I’m losing every body around me and I’m just giving up and shutting down. For once it’s not my paranoia though, it’s just pure hopelessness. I don’t know what to do anymore, there’s only so many things I can do and so many ways I can try. It hurts more than I can put into words, when you’re feeling so down, and you turn to the person you think you can talk to, and they say nothing at all in return. I open my heart and get ignored, and people wonder why I have trust and security issues and why I am paranoid to the extent that I am.
Now I have to somehow find a way to escape my thoughts and not give into this addiction after over two months of being clean of it. It’s so difficult knowing my ‘self injury kit’ is so close, and knowing the relief I’ll feel.
I just have to think about the guilt and misery I’ll undoubtedly feel afterwards.
Monday Nov 15 @ 01:29am